Today I Surrendered My Car To The Bank

Today I voluntarily surrendered my car to the bank. Just when I thought I’d surrendered just about every material possession that one can in today’s society, surprise!

This isn’t a pity party. I’m not going to ask for money. This is a mile marker in the life I’ve voluntarily chosen to live; a life 99% outside the system. But I didn’t “choose” in the way most may think. I didn’t grow up thinking, “I don’t want to work at all! I want to feed off the system, syphon benefits from the government and dink around with music and art all day.” It’s actually the opposite. I put in more work towards my goals in a year than most do in a lifetime. After many years, I realized that because I chose to live a pure and focused life with such an obscure and “out-there” purpose that I’d have to sacrifice the comforts of modern day living to pursue it.

The trade off is, I get to do what I want when I want almost all the time. The trade off for that is, much of what I can do with that time and freedom is limited because of money. But the thing I’m realizing is, all that time and freedom is and has always been for something very specific. While in the past I have taken advantage and certainly indulged too much in that freedom, in the last year – as I hone in on my mission in life – I realized that that time and freedom is meant for developing the work. The work is, at the core, the music I am writing and creating. But that work is a mosaic comprised of all that I learn and produce; from learning about ancient history to writing these blog posts, to making short form content. It’s all “the work.” Eventually, the work will include live concerts, keynote speeches and hopefully enough social influence to do my part in leading humanity to the next level.

Riches to Rags

I’ve been broke and borderline-poor my entire adult life. I was raised in a middle class household with all the nice things that come with it. I learned what life could be if you worked hard and earned a living within the structure of modern day capitalism. This lifestyle and support however, ended completely when I  finished a 2 year degree and officially moved out and to NYC at age 21. I was optimistic though. I was (or so I thought) equipped to generate my own middle-class income, but I never did. I never was fully ahead. I was always behind on rent, always asking for money from people and admittedly, for the majority of my 20s, I had a deep seated blind-spot of entitlement that I deserved to be taken care of by whomever – my roommate, the government, society, my parents, etc. because I was putting my effort into making “profound” art. Of course I was to be compensated for it! “I am the next great pop star,” I thought, and tried to manipulate others to think that too. I lived in this delusion for quite a while. Many, many artists do. (Even more these days, see my article about charade artists and gatekeepers.)

That said, I’m going to fast forward through that era of my life because that’s not what this specific article is about, but I wanted you to have some background. In January of 2022 I finally took ownership of all aspects of my life and understood I needed to put in the work to generate income, not just the work to make art. I was at that time 32 and while music was still my main goal, I knew I didn’t want to live in financial turmoil forever or until music “takes over.”

A Quick Rise and Fall

In 2022 my web design business (which is just me) generated the most it ever had and from that I took home the most I ever did. I was feeling great and financially secure for the first time ever. I was riding high and anticipating a similar year in 2023. It didn’t happen. 2023 was my worst financial year in a long time and 2024 has been worse than that. Mind you, nothing in the way I get clients has changed. In fact, I put more effort into finding clients and even full time jobs in and around my field, but nothing was coming to fruition. Again, not asking for sympathy here because I am fully responsible for my actions and am finally seeing the big picture from those actions. (Though empathy and encouragement is always welcome.) Let me frame the situation:

• March 2022 – I get the biggest check from my biggest client ever, which happened again and again that year.
• April 2022 – I get arrested and this begins the process of unraveling and detaching from my entire life before this date. That includes my relentlessly narcissistic mother, the abusive & malignant narcissistic ex-boyfriend and all substance abuse, which includes sex as a drug.
• November 2022 – I meet my current and life partner, Tom, and begin to further cleanse my life, while at the same time learning how to be in a healthy relationship.
• December 2022 – While Tom and I we were “broken up” for a few days, I have an HIV scare that ends up being negative but costs me $2,000 that I did not have at the time. I mention this because our actions and consequences are not always linear, which is why many people are in a constant state of confusion about why their life pans out the way it does.
• September 2023 – Income during this year has been at a low, but I begin working with my mentor, Paul, to fix the holes in my music endeavor.
• April 2024 – Income this year is completely trashed, but I reboot my music persona as Chad Rising and am invigorated and more hopeful than ever before.
• May 2024 – I have to quit my 1 bedroom lease and move in with Tom into his one bedroom apartment, something I never wanted to do because I need a lot of space and alone time, but it’s where we’re at for now.
• June 2024 – I cancel my car insurance because I just can’t afford it. The car sits for the summer.
• September 2024 – Tom starts a new job and I need my car again, but I find out my insurance more than doubles because of not being covered for a while and with repairs and regular car payments, this makes having the car literally impossible to keep. I surrendered the car this morning.

This is a tiny window into what has happened in the last 2 years. I don’t have health insurance, I’m on food stamps, (which is a joke in PA compared to NY) and I didn’t quality for Medicaid because I’m so off the grid that it’s difficult to prove I don’t have income. So, that’s where I sit. Aside from varying levels of chronic anxiety that I try my best to manage, I’m in the absolute best state of mind and heart that I have ever been, and I’m producing the most cohesive and focused work (music) I ever have.

It’s Meant To Be

Tying this back into the main topic – the fact that my car is now gone means I am stranded at my apartment during the day. That said, I’m not spiritually bypassing the emotions that come with mourning this loss, because they are there and they are valid. But this is all meant to be. I’ve realized that my car was taken because I don’t really need it. (I live in the suburbs and most would not be able to live without it.) What I need to do is get the work done; as much and as quickly as possible. That is what this era is for – it’s for me to sit down every single day, all day, and do virtually nothing but the work. My life’s work. My life’s purpose. And let me tell you; the songs and messages that are coming through are Earth-shattering. This is the time of cultivation and preparation before the public part of the mission kicks into gear. This is my hermit era. This is my Buddha in the wilderness era. This is my time to apply all I’ve learned so that I can channel and develop the work I was meant to create and perform in this lifetime.

So as I say goodbye to my car, I wipe the tears away, turn to my home recording setup, put on my headphones, pull up my lyrics and get to work.

Thank you to my higher self and spirit guides for nudging me to a place that I have no other choice but to do the work. Thank you to my ego for respecting the greater mission and getting out of the way. I will have a car again when the time is right, but this time is my time. My time of focus and rebirth. My time of fully and finally processing out every iota of my old life, thoughts and beliefs so that there is a space for the exciting and unknown new life, thoughts and beliefs to manifest.

– Chad